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It seems like ever since I got back from my trip I’ve been pretty busy. My first day back in Japan I think I slept over 12 hours, probably recovering from the lack of sleep and ton of walking I did over in China. Friday night since Duy’s been in Japan for vacation we took a group out to Y’s, which was weird because we had a lot of old IES alumni and Shin-san even showed up. On Saturday I went out to Chiba Park again with Andy and Brian to play frisbee and hang out. Had a bigger group this time so that was pretty cool. Hit up Kappa after it started getting dark and pigged out on cheap sushi.

On Sunday I went to Ariake Coliseum for the first time to see the Japanese pro basketball championships. Bryan was able to swing tickets for this – and I am not joking about the name – the bj League Final Four. Yes. The professional basketball conference here is called Basketball Japan, or bj for short.

I showed up for the second half of the 3rd place game, which was Osaka vs Hamamatsu. It was strange to be watching a professional basketball in Japan, since half of the players were Americans. The crowd wasn’t super into it, but it was still a fun time. The final game was much better and much more exciting, and the crowd was actually going nuts the whole time. The final was between the Tokyo Apache and the (Okinawa) Ryukyu Kings. The head coach for the Apache is Kobe Bryant’s dad, and the star of the Kings is Jeff Newton, who used to play at IU, so that was kind of cool. I think Nick Roberts is also in love with him.

Even though the Kings never lost the lead the entire game, it was still sweet to watch and even though our seats weren’t super close or anything they were still really good seats. I think venues in Japan are just small compared to ones in the US, so it seems like you always have better seats than you would back home. The Kings won the championship 89-82. What a great bj day.

You know how sometimes you have a dream that feels very real, and other times you have a real-life experience that seems very much like a dream? I had one of the latter today, at least I’m about 90% sure it actually happened. Either way it was pretty odd.

I was teaching classes in the evening down in Ichihara, which means I have to ride the trains about an hour and a half from Shinjuku back towards Chiba, then down south from there. Luckily if I time it right I can catch an express train from Tokyo station, meaning I don’t have to change trains mid-way. The train is usually fairly crowded, but after about 20 minutes a lot of people usually get off, yielding me around a 45-minute nap after grabbing a newly-vacated seat.

I wake up after around a half-hour and notice there’s a bit of a commotion going on in the train car. We had just left Soga station and I couldn’t imagine what was causing the usually lifeless train passengers to scoot around in such a still-silent panic. I sit up a bit and notice to my left that 3 pigeons are walking around. Yes, inside the moving train. They weren’t causing any problems, just walking and making that pigeon noise. Coo, maybe? Nonetheless, tons of people were freaking out as the pigeons just strutted about the floor, minding their business. Now, Japanese people do a lot of things that make no sense to me, but this next part really confused me. Instead of just letting the pigeons walk around and waiting until the next stop (less than 10 minutes), this one genius Japanese guy decides it would be a good idea to hit the ground near the pigeons with his umbrella.

ID. I. OT.

So of course the pigeons go flying, trying to avoid being hit with an umbrella. They head towards the windows, which of course are closed and have people sitting in front of them. The birds hit the windows and land on people, then jump around again as people try to swat at them or shake them off. The situation has just become much much worse because Mr. Wizard thought his magic umbrella would cause the 3 pigeons to vanish in a puff of smoke. So the panic level continues to rise as now you have people all over the long train car getting up and running to either the corners or to the next car. The pigeons are getting more excited now, just trying to figure out how to get off this train while avoiding getting hit by Moron of the Month’s umbrella. Then 1 or 2 more idiots start using their umbrellas (the situation might not have been as bad if it weren’t raining earlier today) to “protect themselves” from the pigeons, creating a vicious cycle or retardedness. I stand up, still slightly asleep having woken up less than a minute ago, and see one of my former co-workers running towards me. I think this was when I started to think I was still in a dream, because what in the world was she doing on this train?*

She jumps into action like she’d been specially trained to deal with pigeons on a train car, opening up a nearby window then running to catch one of the pigeons. She does, checks to make sure there are no trees or electrical poles next to the tracks, and releases pigeon #1 back outside. I get the message and run to open up the other windows on the train, while every other person on the train either 1) sits there as if nothing was going on, 2) quietly runs to the next train car to escape or 3) stare at me or my co-worker out of confusion, as if we were playing catch with a midget covered in peanut butter. Not a single person helped, opened a window, or even said anything. Japanese people love to act like nothing is going on around them. I’m pretty sure that if Godzilla really did attack this country, the reaction of the general public would be to continue walking as if nothing was happening. Or maybe they would try throwing their umbrellas.

So once she got the other 2 pigeons cleared off the train with her bare hands, we closed the windows, wiped our hands, and had a brief chat as the train pulled off at my stop. Needless to say I was pretty impressed. I definitely wouldn’t have done that myself. So that was probably the most exciting 5 minutes I’ve ever had immediately upon waking up. I’m pretty sure this actually happened.

*She was going to Goi to work, obviously.

I started writing this post on the 5th, as it’s labeled. I actually finished it late at night on Tuesday the 17th.

Last Monday, May 26th, we went from Dalian (well, Wafangdian station) to Tangshan via train. Living in Japan for so long, trains are nothing new to me. I ride trains everyday, and occasionally take the long-distance bullet trains. But the train we took this time was nothing like what I’ve experienced before. This was a 9-hour ride from hell on a train half-filled with hobos. I’m not exaggerating either when I say that; the Orient Express this was not. To illustrate my point, there was a hobo right near us that had a crazy burnt-out (probably a cataract) eye and a crazy laugh, and his buddy was a younger hobo who enjoyed a meal consisting of a handful of raw vegetables and a long chicken’s foot. He munched on this food with his blackened hands and gray teeth during the last leg of the ride.

Earlier in the day, we had finished up things with our client in Dalian at lunch with the bugs and other unmentionable food. On the way back from the restaurant to the client’s office, he pulled over about a block away from the office and started talking to these 2 shabby looking guys. I of course have no idea what they said, but minutes later when we arrived at the office to pack up our luggage, those guys were there with their motorized cart to help us out. They helped haul our ridiculous amount of suitcases and boxes of lab equipment all the way to the train station. Their help didn’t end there. These two guys were pretty old, I’d say at least in their fifties, but since they were (assumingly) hired by our client, it was their duty to haul our stuff all the way. The one guy took our 2 huge cardboard boxes, tied a thick rope around them, and hauled them on his back. The other guy got it easy with two heavy rolling suitcases. They not only hauled the stuff into the station, but after waiting with us for the train to come, they went through the gates and hauled them all the way down the long platform with us. I felt bad for the guy with the boxes, because he was struggling and sweating up a storm. Check him out:

Before I go any further, I should describe Wafangdian station. Like many places in these smaller towns in China, I felt like I was in the 1920’s or 30’s. The station felt like an empty warehouse, with tall ceilings, lots of sunlight, very little electronic presence, no air conditioning, and hordes of poor-looking people. There were no electronic ticket gates or signs. They had these big signboards showing the train number and location, swapping out panels for different trains. The gate was just a metal bar with a guard/attendant standing near it, who would open the gates when it was time to board the train. It reminded me of some kind of cattle ranch, with steer waiting to move from one area to the next. So yeah, not a very favorable image of the station.

Pretty much that entire day I felt like I had time warped back about 70 years.

Now to the train ride itself. After having our two slaves load our stuff onto the train, off we were for Tangshan. Except the train didn’t really speed along. Ever. In fact I’m pretty sure if you would take a bouncy rubber ball and kick it along the tracks, you would be going faster than the train. It never felt like we were moving fast, which probably helps explain why the ride took 9 excruciating hours. Unfortunately Tangshan has no airport so we were told that train was the best way to go. However we also found out later that there are faster trains we could have taken, instead of suffering for 9 hours on the Hobo Express. Of course our guide person never told us about these options, and we were stuck with the value travel plan. Each ticket only cost 94RMB, which is like $13 USD. This low price also probably attributed to the many hobos and other poor-looking and sour-smelling passengers.

The first half hour or so wasn’t that bad I guess. We were able to somehow fit our many suitcases on the overhead racks, and sat down. Again, I felt like I was in the Great Depression era. Then our guide was nice enough to tell us that we’d have to stand up at the 4th station, because we don”t have reserved seats. Yeah. A 9-hour train ride and our guide didn’t have the foresight to pay the extra few bucks to get us seats. So once we hit that station, people got on the train and claimed their seats, beginning our 8 hours of standing on a train that was going at the speed of Jell-O.

It’s tough to write about this train ride now, because honestly I think my mind has blocked out most of this traumatizing day. The area between the cars had a little bathroom, a sink area, and standing room for people to smoke. I don’t know if this is really what the area was designed for, but that’s sure how it was used. There was constantly a crowd of about 20 people on either end of the train car smoking, ensuring that the entire train would be filled with smoke at all times. Oh, and the bathroom? My god. Not only was it the Asian-style squat toilet, but there was an added bonus with this one. It was literally a hole, going outside of the train, onto the tracks. Talk about primitive.

At some point in the last few hours of the ride, our guide ended up getting us involved with the people sitting around our standing area. It was a real mixed bag, with the 2 hobos I mentioned earlier, some middle-aged guys, and 2 people about my age. Of course me and my dad can’t speak Mandarin, and the guide is only interpreting maybe one in every ten sentences for us. Not enough to understand what’s going on. The people were nice though, letting us sit down for a bit, still in awe that not only were we not from Beijing, but we were all the way from America, which to some of these poor local people, might as well be Mars. More than a few people at first just thought we were from southern China, which I don’t know is because of the way we look (family roots are there) or because we just didn’t fit in with everyone else.

Of those 2 people my age, one was a girl who could actually speak some English. I was pretty tired of faking conversation with these people, especially when I don’t speak the language at all, and I was getting a headache from standing up on a slow-moving train for an entire day. I made some small talk with her though, since she was the only other passenger who could communicate with us. It was funny when at one point she looks at me and says, in English, “You’ve got a big ass.” What!? I look at my dad sitting across the aisle to see if he heard what I think I did. “I think she said you’ve got a big ass.” I was totally stunned, wondering how in the world to respond, when she starts pointing at her face. “Yes, you’ve got a big ass” she repeated, pointing at her eyes. Ooooooooh! She was saying I’ve got big eyes. Haha. Thank….you…?

And that was pretty much the only moment of entertainment on the entire 9-hour train ride.

After the big ass incident I had about an hour or two left on the train. I spent most of it either napping or fake-napping (Ari no jutsu) so I wouldn’t have to act friendl
y anymore.

I saw this Engrish in Shimbashi station last week, just as I was exiting the ticket gate…

Direct and straight to the point, right?
I wonder if they have their employees wear this logo on a shirt.

I’m working a few days this and next week at Chiba AEON, where Blanchard works. It’s kind of fun to work at a school like this again, just for a few days. Plus I already know most of the staff and stuff at Chiba school, so it’s easy to get down to business.

Speaking of business.

This afternoon after my first class I was standing in the lobby talking to students and realized that the music playing over the speakers as background music was It’s Business Time by Flight of the Conchords. Yeah. It was playing on the radio. In Japan. Is it even really a real song, like for the radio? Pretty awesome though. I thought at first that maybe someone had their iPod hooked up to the speaker, but nope – it was directly from the satellite radio thing that all the AEON schools use. I then had the song stuck in my head all day. Oooh.

If memory serves me right, during the summer of 2003 I was back at home in St. Louis doing pretty much nothing but sleeping and working at Caleco’s. This was even before I had this website and blog to waste time with. In a scheme that worked out even better than planned, I decided to take a class at Meramac Community College to pick up some IU-transferable credits. This also served as a great way for me to gain and subsequently launder AP credits, but that’s a completely different story.

The class I took was an advertising class, something that I figured would be fun and easy. It is during that class that I worked with Heisserer to create projects like “The Relationship Lady” infomercial, and I also designed some cereal called Infidel Crispies, with the mascot being then-Iraqi Information Minister Al-Salaf. The crowning jewel of this class, however, was the legendary Choco-Chicken commercial. Very few of you know of this video, mainly because it sat on a Hi-8 tape after being made, only to emerge briefly during my senior year at IU where I converted the video to Quicktime. The disc containing said Quicktime file was then lost forever, only to be discovered again on my recent trip to America. Forever can be short sometimes.

The video features that “Bird is the Word” song, bad acting, terrible audio, and horrible voice-over work. But most importantly, it also features a dancing mascot wearing a frightening chicken mask and an apron. Note that we filmed this video some morning in the frozen foods section of Wal-Mart, where of course we got kicked out for filming without permission. I’m sure the chicken costume had something to do with it as well. The end of the commercial also has Choco-Chicken Man posing with a little girl on crutches and an old man who smelled of whiskey at 11AM. I couldn’t make up stuff better than this. We also got kicked out by Wal-Mart a second time, for filming in the parking lot.

The video of course is not going to win any awards, but I’d say it’s amusing in the same way you occasionally listen to loud, belligerent hobos, just to hear what garbage they have to say*. We made it in only a day or two, and it was, in part, just an excuse for me to try and learn Adobe Premiere. It’s a little embarrassing, but I suppose some of you want to see it, right? Here’s the deal. If I get 5 people to comment on this post saying they want to see it, I will post the video. Yeah that’s a cheap move, but it’s not everyday you get to see a guy in a chicken mask dancing outside of Wal-Mart. Unless you live in the south maybe.

No one can resist the delicious taste of chocolate-covered chicken feet!

*One time when I was in New York with my dad, we heard a guy yelling that you can’t trust women because “they will STEAL YOUR DNA!” True story.